Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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