if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
