I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
