She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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