so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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