Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
