How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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