So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
