ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
