Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
