It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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