youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
