I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
