you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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