i was born a porn star she said
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
