i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
