Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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