glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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