This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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