Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my being single is dangerous.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
