his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
