Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Randomize
