theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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