I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
