I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
