Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
