awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
