i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Still dying that you shit outside
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
