I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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