So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
