I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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