I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
