I met the friendliest cop last night
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
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Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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