they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed