i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
