1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.