I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
