Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
