Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
