he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
