She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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