My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
