I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
