I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
