Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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