Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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