If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
