Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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