Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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