Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
