I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
