you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
