Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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