Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
