well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
