I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
