I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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