apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
